"You've GOT to be Kiddin' Me?!"

A funny phenomenon occurs during Mardi Gras, and that’s a case of the “Damn-Its”. Damn it, I don’t want to have to go to work today (because I went to another Ball last night and I am still sleep deprived from the first one). Damn it, I have to sit down to pay some bills (but I’d rather pretend I have plenty of money to pay for the beer I want to buy to accompany me to the next parade). Damn it, there’s still boa feathers floating around the house from this past weekend (but I don’t want to sweep them up because every time I see them I pause for a moment to reflect on the good time we had at the Osiris Ball).

So I was home one afternoon entertaining my “Damn-Its” and I heard someone coming up the steps of the front porch. I wasn’t expecting anyone so I immediately put on my “I don’t want to buy whatever it is your selling” face.

“Can I help you?”
“Hi, I am Olga. Sorry I am late.”
“Excuse me?” I said in disbelief.
“I’m Olga. Olga the Traveling Bra. I know you were expecting to see me Friday, but, well, life happened, and I wasn’t able to make it. Did you guys have a good time at the Osiris Ball? I really hate I missed it.”

I was really glad she said her name twice because like I said earlier, the window of opportunity to get a name right upon introduction is small. I immediately had flashbacks to the night of the Ball. It was all about to make a lot of sense. I thought about how when anyone referred to that nasty bra as 'Olga' she would get pissed. Turns out, we thought the Traveling Bra that was with us was the Traveling Bra we were expecting originally when in fact, she was really an... imposter?? No way! We were duped!

“Olga, I am sorry that I seemed shocked to see you here, but everything is coming together now. You seem super pleasant and excited to be here. It’s just that, well, I am not sure how to say this…Does the name ‘Ulga’ ring a bell with you?”

“She didn’t take my place at the ball, did she?” Olga said as if she already knew the answer to the question.
“Well…we thought. I mean, we assumed. How many Traveling Bras are there in this world??”
“Just one, darlin’. Just one. But to answer you’re question: Yes, I am familiar with Ulga. Actually, it’s her half sister Helga of which I am more familiar. The two of us have quite a bit of history together. Helga is a Wandering Corset and me being a Traveling Bra, Ulga always felt left out. She has spent the better part of her life wreaking havoc on all that is good making constant declarations of “She ain’t all that.”

“She DID say that a time or two! I didn’t have a clue as to what she was talking about,” I admitted. “I was trying to keep my conversation with that trashy bra to a minimum so I didn’t even ask.”
“Girl I don’t blame you. Is she still smoking Camels?” Olga asked.
“Yes. Unfiltered at that!”
“That’s funny. I remember when she used to cut the filters off with a pair of scissors. Some things never change.”
“Geez, Olga. We made you your own Mardi Gras float and everything! I hate to think that a cheap broad like Ulga stole the spotlight from you.”
Olga slapped me on the leg and said, “Honey don’t you worry about that. I am in the spotlight all the time. I just hate that you guys had to tolerate her. She has always been quite the nemesis.”

“Well, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about Ulga anytime soon. Last time we saw her, she was floating down the Mobile River. I hate to say it, but all we could say was ‘Good Riddance’”.

Olga and I sat on the porch in silence for a bit, contemplating the fate of Ulga the Nasty Bra. I was at a loss. Olga made plans to come to Mobile for the Osiris Ball, and now that it had passed, I wasn’t quite sure what to offer. Being the polite southern lady that I am, I knew I needed to do my best to show my REAL guest a good time. But this wasn’t just any guest. This was Olga the Traveling Bra! A bra that has seen the world! I’d hate it if she thought me and my fair city paled in comparison to the people she’d met and the places she’d been so I told myself, “Put your big girl panties on handle it! Oh, I got this!”

I stood up proudly from my chair and said, "Olga, Welcome to Mobile, Alabama! I know you missed The Ball, but you made it to town right as Mardi Gras is about to get into full swing. So Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez!"

I didn’t bother translating. Olga knows what that means.

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Before we get into full Mardi Gras mode, I want to ease Olga into the environment. South Alabama can prove to be quite the culture shock if you aren’t from around these parts. Strangers on the street commenting, “It sure is a gorgeous day, ain’t it?” Waitresses at restaurants putting ice (and sugar) in your tea without asking, and gentlemen holding the door for you at the local Circle K, might seem like odd interactions, but here, we just call it home.

So I am enlisting the help of my friend and co-chaperone, AE to help ensure Olga’s trip to Mobile will be one she won't soon forget!

First stop, Wintzell's Oyster House, a tradition in Mobile since 1938. Its one of the places you take people when they're visiting from out of town. I think this restaurant is home to a few world record holders for the most raw oysters eaten. Then again, I could be making it up to add to the effect of the story. I do know some kind of records have been placed for eating a lot of oysters in one sitting. Now I like my oysters raw but there's nothing more disgusting than any type of food eating contest , and a raw oyster eating contest takes them all! But to each his own. We all need our own claim to fame.

Olga, checking out the Catch of the Day. Does that say, Snapper?!

After lunch, homage was paid to the biggest set of Ta-Ta's in Mobile at the Scottish Rite Temple. It's the only Egyptian Revival building in the city where two large stone sphinxes are fondled every weekend by drunken frat boys leaving Dauphin Street after a night of partying.